回禮

禮尚往來is one of the most basic culture among the Chinese. I bought 4 mooncakes. 2 for chi's family and 2 more for chin's. I got an Angpau from chi's daddy in return.

I am sorry but i wanted to talk more about chin here. Buying mooncake is my way of saying Thank You for the hamper Chin's mom bought me during Chinese New Year. Although I did not receive the hamper due to some reason. I still think that i owe her a Thank You.

So I went to her restaurant today. I was so nervous and kan jiong because it's been a year since i last meet his parents. Okay, I walk to the front and call auntie, she couldn't recognize me at first, but after a second or two she remember. I told her that I past by Kepong so i bring these mooncake for her. She asked me whether i gain fats me because i look chubbier than last time. The whole conversation lasted for 2 minutes, or even lesser. My heart pump really fast as if i am having a presentation. So awkward and so weird. I doubt that i have made a wrong decision to buy her mooncake. I don't know, I feel that i am not welcomed by his dad. Maybe i should be disappear for few years so they will forget about my existence. Whatever, I have done what i think i need to do.

Ychin send me a text message to express his thank. As usual I have so much to say, but there is too much i reply him: ' Your mom is very efficient. Welcome.' instead. Mixed feelings. It is strange to have a friend, or an ex, whom you were so close to in the past, but you can't even talk more than 2 minutes now.

Well i am not trying to be moody or emo, i just want to record this down so i don't forget how miserable it feels to have an ex. LOL.

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This fucking Singapore trip is indeed a nightmare to me. I feel like being left out although i know my friends are trying to give me some sweet time to spend with chi. Mixed felling, i wanted to be with all of them. Knowing that it is impossible but i am trying my best to make sure my friendship and love is balanced. I don't know what to do to fix this problem. My heart wants to be with pdf, to be really honest i want to be with them. I hate the feeling when i need to ask what they were talking about again and again. But i can't just leave chi alone. I asked him to look for his friend and join them but he refuse to. What's worst is that i didn't know his leg is injured. This makes him extremely unbalanced and sad because his gf isn't caring enough. He finally explain to me the reason behind his unusual act during the trip after we finished clearing up our luggage. Normally i will try to explain so that we understand how each other feel. But i reply okay and tell him it's my bad and i will try to change instead. I do not want to hurt you and please understand me more. Don't say that i don't or i didn't try to understand you when you don't understand me too.

and what really hurts is the misunderstanding between people.
Chi tell me there is a samsung earphone on our seats out of no where when we leave the bus. I keep it but i didn't know who it belongs to. At the end of the day i know that's my friend's earphone. But due to the fucking misunderstanding and i get some cool shit reply. Knowing that i am too sensitive but i seriously can't take it. Because i always try my best to please everyone. At least i try not to be the reason behind the anger. But things don't always turn out to be what you want/ expect. I seriously sick of the feeling seeing people around me getting mad cause of my stupidity. Because that really hurts.

Too many things happened in this 3 days. I apologize to people around me for bring rude when i was mad. But too much to learn, esp to control my EQ. and too much to not care, i'm learning tho.

24/8/2015

First day of class, not mentally prepared for this yet, I'm still in holiday mood. Not really holiday mood, it is more like i am not well prepared yet. Not prepared to fail again. Fail as in i fail to achieve or reach my minimum requirement. I understand the effort i put in may not be as much as what other students give in, i understand the importance of working smart? and i also understand that i need to accept the fact that i am not an A students anymore so stop dreaming, Haha. Well i am just, not fully prepared for the challenges yet. :/

4th month

If you think that i'm over reacting, i hope that this will be the last time i over react. Just can't stop my tears when I know how much you hate me now. So I ask myself. Did i do anything wrongly to trigger your anger again. And when i start to reminisce, i think of something I hate about myself: forgetful.
Sometimes i wonder, am i really that forgetful? or i never really pay effort remembering what other people said. The more i think the more i hate myself. Well i'm not asking for sympathy**
Another thing, Appreciation, something i always hoping from others but did i ever show my appreciation to people around me? I swear, in my heart, I did, Perhaps I never show it in action, and that's why people around me always think that i never appreciate what they did for me. Just like you never think that i appreciate you, NEVER, no matter what i did, or tell you, you think, assume and insist that i never, like i never do anything, contribute or tolerate in this relationship. Leave it la, everything is too late now.
To be honest i used to think that i'm the lucky one, super duper lucky, (i always tell that to my friend), and deep down in my heart i always think that way. A very lucky person in this world, to always have people supporting, motivating, inspiring me, to always have people guiding me in my study career, remind me of the submission and due dates, priceless companionship from my buddies, etc. Most importantly a person to love me, when i am really a weirdo and selfish person. And because of my personality, i guess, these good things that make me fell lucky slowly slip by, i let them slip by.

But i never want a relationship to end up like this,with hatred. I have no choice when you decided to give up in this friendship, (maybe you are trying to revenge, cause i decided to give up in the relationship earlier). You decided to hate me, you WANT to hate me. You hate your ex, no matter who requested to end the relationship, you just hate it, Am i right? This is because to you, they have bitchy behavior, am i right? So you scold us BITCH, so you ask me to F*ck off. I don't know what you tell others when they ask you about this. I do not know what version you told them. You told me you wouldn't backstab me, but now i doubt that. I am sorry to say this, no offense.

You hate it when things don't turn out well, you hate it when people didn't pay enough attention on you, you hate it when people disagree with you, you hate everything that go against you. Then you will make assumption on things you see, and once you decided to think that way, no one can ever change it. You push me far away when i try to approach you. I was so happy that you replied me in whatsapp during cny when i wish you. I hope that we can continue chatting and i start joking, i told you that i dyed my hair, you summore reply this to me: mei mei liao. Word can't tell how happy i feel, so relieved. Who knows, everything goes wrong after that, you tell me that you have changed, and ask me to keep the distance like this. At that moment i have so much to question, but you never want to answer any of it. So i will just accept that, 'okay', i replied, and that's the end of our conversation.

So if you think that i'm having a happy life after all, i can tell you that i am not. To believe or not doesn't matter much now, because to you i'm a liar. And to you this whole post is a lie, isn't it?

What hurts me the most is when you tell me that you will feel good to see me suffering. So I bet if you know how bad i feel now, you will be happy.

I still hope that time will heal the wounds, and one day we could talk like a friend. I sincerely hope that this could happen one day, although i know it is almost impossible.

Blessed Birthday 14122014

I personally don't think that birthday is a VERY important day to celebrate. Yet i still want to express my unending gratitude to those who wished me, on the exact day, in adv or belated, also to friends that buy me birthday gifts. TeeHee

Firstly, to my pdf, Chenyi, Eunice, and Karyi. 

These are really useful in our study career. Also the lunch in After Black. Xie xie, with love <3

Then, to yoongchin. Thank You for delivering me the newyork cheese cake from secret recipe at 12a.m. sharp. 

Thanks allan and yikyin for this couple tee with angeline. Also angeline for helping to choose, LoL hahaa  :D

Thank you Jeffrey for this cute bag. I'm still looking forward to the one from korea. HEhe too big and too much love liao laaaa.

 

Never forget about Chien sheng and Devinchi for the pizza treat. Anyway 2 large pizza for 3 person is seriously too muchhhhhhh. HAHAa

To Kelvin, Thanks for this cardigan from Muji. Like what you said archi students always stay over in studio so this will be useful for sure.

To Angoline, Ben, ChiewNee, YuHeng, and Jerry! Thanks for the effort in making the birthday video and acting silly at the back HAHAaaa! I was so surprised and laughing non-stop watching that.

 

and...Brenda Lee. So what's the point you show me the present sooooo early, like few weeks before my birthday, but forget to bring it out whenever we hang out, and give it to me 33days after my birthday? D: 

Well..still love you because you're brenda lee.

Lastly, munyuen and smun lee. Two of you very funny HORRR, that is not the right way laaaaaa. Anyway, Muacks!

 

I never expect anything, seriously.

Thanks, for everything, sincerely <3 :D